ok, ya got me.
A friend of mine gave me this book, He's Just Not That Into You. I read it last night. Now let me say first, that I'm just not that into self-help books. I never read about Mars and Venus except in Astronomy class. I got a Deepak Chopra book from a yard sale, but never made it past the first chapter. Dr. Phil and I have never hung out. If I'm at a bookshop and find myself looking at books on a shelf that is near the self-help section, I make darn sure that it is perfectly clear that I'm not looking at the self-help books, I'm looking at biographies, thankyouverymuch, in case someone should come by and see me shopping there. So yes, I guess you could say I am a self-help snob. BUT. All I've got to say about this book is, Damn. I been a fool. Me and all my otherwise intelligent wimmen friends.
We spend all this time making excuses for why a guy does or doesn't do something, when the bottom line is, it doesn't matter why. If he's not doing the things that people do when they're in love (call you, do stuff for/with you, introduce you to his friends, take you out in public, treat you with dignity and respect, etc.etc.) then he's not in love. Period. Doesn't matter why. And by that same token, if you're not doing all the same stuff for him, you're not in love either. And neither of you should be doing these things because they're what you should do. You should be doing it because it's what you want to do. Neither person should settle for less.
And another thing, if you're doing the stuff you do when you're in love (all of the above plus: talk about the future, ask him what he's doing/wearing/eating while on the phone with him, wanting to introduce him to your friends and family) and he's just not into it, then he's not that into you, either. He just isn't.
I can't tell you how many excuses I've made for some of the men I've dated (He's really busy right now, he's just been through a bad breakup, his family life's not great so he'll feel weird around my great family, his last girlfriend was really jealous, blahblahblah). That's not to say that I've dated jerks. A couple of 'em, sure. But mostly, they were all good guys. However, if they were really into me, I wouldn't have had to make excuses for their behaviour. Aaaaand (this was not in the book, but being the fair and balanced gal that I like to think I am, I must conclude that...), if I were as into them as I should be, I wouldn't have tried to make excuses for my bahaviour (I'm really busy, I'm not ready for a big relationship, I can't get involved right now, blahblahblah). I would have simply behaved like a girl in love - the good, real love that isn't over-the-top, but is open-eyed, secure and, well, lovely.
If we would all quit making excuses, and start holding each other (and ourselves) to higher standards, then we'd all have a lot more satisfaction in our relationships.
...probably.
posted by Epiphany @ 1:24 PM
2 Comments:
Boy, I'm so with you sis-tah! This book should be required reading for all adolescent girls prior to their first date so they don't waste as many years as so many great women I know(and myself - dammit!) Big question here is - now that we are aware can break the cycle, change, hold out, stop making excuses and settling? I hope so - desperately hope so. Have floundered as of recently, but admit that this book haunted me thru out that period. And truthfully, if we look at this in an altruistic way, we are not doing our gender any favors by perpetuating this cycle. In my mind, it's kind of along the lines of the "three date rule" that so many women have bought into, so now men expect "it" from us all after three dates. In this case, however, if enough women let men get away with this cr*p (guess you don't have to * when it's "crap" - sh*t then) ok - so this does slightly go against the books probably correct theory that if he was "into you" he wouldn't try to get away with any of the cr*p or sh*t. Suppose I'm submitting it as a sociological footnote. Figured that as women we are more apt to change our behaviors if we think it will help another than merely helping ourselves. Whatever raises the respect expectation.
Aaaabsolutely, umm,...Anonymous. We are on the same brainwave.
To touch on some things you mentioned:
-"Can we break the cycle?" ah, well, that *is* the question, innit? I guess that remains to be seen. I'm gonna opt for optimism and say "damn right, we can."
-"we are not doing our gender any favors by perpetuating this cycle" A-MEN, sistah. no favors at all. Lemme hear that again: "we are not doing our gender any favors by perpetuating this cycle." That's some good stuff, right there. We're only making things progressively worse, so that now we *expect* men to be freaky, and can't recognize it or don't know what to do with them when they're not. I can't bear to think of how many "nice guys" I let get away because I was worried that I, a damaged woman, would end up damaging the nice guy in the process of dating him. How's that for altruism?? Only, the result, of course, is that by not dating the "nice guy," I was encouraging the "bad boy" behaviour.
It's messed up, I tell ya. But we're every bit as much to blame as the guys are.
So. Let us raise our glasses and drink a toast to Fixing It. May we nevermore encourage our fellow sistahs to make excuses for their men. May we stop rolling over and allowing men to walk all over us. May we speak up, not in a bitchy way, but in a self-respecting way, and say when something bothers us.
To Fixing It! *clink* :-)
...Thanks for your comments, Anony.
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