Associations

Have you ever had a piece of music that you associate so much with a particular time in your life that you can't hear it without thinking of that time? I have several of these, but the most extreme example is an entire album. I played that suckah OUT all during my college years. And yes, Vivi, it IS the one you're thinking about.
So this album, I absolutely loved. And I believe I fell in love with a man partly because he seemed to appreciate the album as much as I did. You wouldn't think it's much to base a relationship on, but for anyone who's felt this strong of a connection to any piece of music, it's not that much of a stretch.
Well this relationship, it didn't go so well. Much heartache, buckets of tears. I was young and stupid, and hadn't yet learned that if he's not willing to go a certain (reasonable) distance to make the relationship work, then he does not love me enough. And if he keeps saying that he does love me and still is not willing to give a little, then he is stringing me along and is not worth my time. Perhaps this sounds harsh to those who don't know me, but for those who do, you're probably breathing a sigh of relief that this Did. Finally. Get Through My Thick Skull. And just so you know, the italics and boldface type above are as much for my own benefit as anyone else's. Just because I did finally see the light doesn't mean I can just forget or ignore the mistakes and lessons of my past. Please, DEAR GOD, don't let me be doomed to repeat that history.
Anyway. I could write a book on that time and that guy and that heartache, but ...well, ...bygones, ya know? So back to this album. I played it So much, and associated it So closely with this relationship, that I've had a hard time listening to it for the past several years. It was too painful. And that was such a shame, because I really missed the music. I wanted to listen, but it always made me hurt. Quite sad, really.
But.
Today, I added one song from that album to my windows media playlist. It was a song that I didn't feel as strong of an association with, and I mixed it in with all my other music, so I didn't have the combined effect of all the songs on the album, played in their original order. And I'm pleased to say that I enjoyed it without thinking of anything other than the music. Score one for me.

Here are the lyrics to that song, and they're rather apropos to what I'm feeling right now:

When I got back to my hometown

I saw the ghosts of yesterday

And my godmother bless her soul

She still lives down this way

Remember when I was just a kid

And she would tell a story

Of the rainbowRainbow

I come to you with an empty heart

It's locked and I've lost the key

Now she was old and almost blind

But she sees more than you or me

With her cane pointed towards the sky

She said I'll know if you've heard

The silence between the words

Of the rainbowRainbow

No one knowsWhere the rainbow goes

Walk down the long road

Your back against the wind

Where you can lose yourself again

I've been down the old road

But that was long ago

I want you to walk with me

When the rains come again

And shine this light over you

RainbowThat's the sign of the rainbow

Walk on down the hard road

That's buried in your soul

And you can feel the light within

Go upon the mountain

That's painted in the sky

I want you to ride with me

When the rains come again

And I will carry you home

Walk in to the rainbow

The halo of the sun

And you will dance the song of light

I could see forever

High upon the hill

I want you to walk with me

When the rains come again

And shine this light over you

RainbowRainbow

too lazy to compose

News Services agreee

"I finished your laundry...

...the ashes are in the fireplace."


Boyyyy Howdy did I need this laugh. Go here. Click on things.

In praise of Dancing

I was going to write this big, long post, inspired by Dancing with the Stars, based on the notion that :

Dancing is Cool,

...even if you're not a pro at it. I was going to mention to any guys reading this that in my humble girl's opinion, 'tis better to dance poorly than not to dance at all. If guys had any idea how many points they score just by uttering those luuurvely words, "Would you like to dance with me?" ...they might do it more often. Then again, maybe they wouldn't. I've tried to get this point across to several of my guy friends, and a couple of guys I've dated, with only very minimal success. But I have not given up.

I said that I was going to write this post. But someone else beat me to it. May I introduce to you, and welcome to the blogosphere,... [drum roll] ...ADAMNFOOL! [yayyyyyyy!] He's a great guy and a very dear friend, and I love that he's started a blog so I can keep up with all the fantastic stuff he's doing. He's written a primer on How to Be a Better Boyfriend, and his stuff about Dancing is what I've been trying to say for a long time. Here's the post, just scroll down to the bits about dancing [then scroll back up and read the rest ;-) ].

A Big Bust

...and no, I'm not talking bra sizes. (but I wonder how many hits I'll get now, based on that?)

I got a call last night telling me that the show I'd auditioned for has been cancelled. No real details were provided, but it may have something to do with scheduling. Apparently, it was a combination of lots of things, and the decision was made to pull the plug before things got worse. or something. The person who called said that they are still trying to get a production together sometime soon, perhaps at the start of the year.

That is all.

Torturing Expats

Yesterday at lunch I went to the Chinese all-you-can-eat Buffet. Sesame chicken, sushi, egg drop soup, spring rolls, cream cheese wontons (personal fave), hot and sour soup, lo-mein noodles, sweet-n-sour prok, teriyaki chicken, those puffy-fried-dough-cinnamony things,...and lots of stuff that I have no idea the name for but dawggone are they good.

What I learned: Don't go to the All-You-Can-Eat buffet when you've just started a diet.

An Actor's Life

I haven't mentioned this here, but there's a play I would very much love to do that's being produced here in town. Auditions finally came around last week just before Hurricane Ophelia hit, and in dedicated-actor fashion, I braved the winds and rain to exhibit my skills in the hope of getting cast. ...that even sounds dramatic, dunnit?
Anyway the play is Shakespeare's Henry V, or, HankCinq, as I lovingly call it. I played the part of Katherine, the French princess, about six years ago, but the last week of rehearsal and the first weekend of performances had to be cancelled because Hurricane Floyd hit. The director, me, and all of the costumes ended up at the director's mother's house in Charlotte, where floods prevented us from returning until after the first weekend. Only one weekend of the production remained, there still was no set, and a couple of the actors had to drop out and be replaced. It was a testiment to those involved that the show happened at all. But I have always felt that it was unfinished. I never got to do all that I'd wanted with it. That's not a very good explanation of how I feel, but I don't know any other way to put it.
So when the opportunity fo audition for the play again came up, I got very excited, and very nervous. I got a new outfit - okay, two and a half new outfits, if you must know - because everybody knows, if I have the right outfit, then the job is as good as mine. I'm not sure how this works, but the retail therapy definitely helped. I went to the audition on the Monday before Ophelia (another Shakespearean female character. she's silent, she's silent, then the goes crazy and drowns. Not a good name omen for a hurricane.) with my stomach in my mouth. There were only three of us auditioning, as everybody else either hadn't heard about the auditions, or were intimidated by Shakespeare or by Ophelia's gale force winds. ...wimps. They read me for the Princess, and I sensed that the director was not impressed. She had me read for Chorus (only 6 lines in the show, but they're about 50 lines each, begin every act, and are comprised of some of the most beautiful phrases Shakespeare ever wrote) and for Mistress Quickly ( a lovely part - a simple, honest woman who's being left by all the men she loves, either by death or by war - but usually played by a woman in her 50s or older and I'mjustnotreadyforthatyet.). We played a bit with some of the readings as the director got an impression of how directable I can be, and I think by the end of the audition, I had made a decent impression. I think she liked the way I understood and handled the language, and that I was brave enough to attempt some of the things she asked. But I left the audition with mixed feelings - I had wanted to try to play the princess again after all these years, to see how my imterpretation would have changed, but if she was interested in me for Chorus, it's something new for me, and a much bigger role, etc. I still felt uneasy though, that I'd not given my best reading of the princess scene. I wanted another shot.
And I got it.
A friend called me on Saturday, and mentioned that the company was giving another round of auditions.
In about 10 minutes.
And I hadn't showered yet.
Technically, this wasn't callbacks, so if she'd already seen me, she probably didn't need to see me again. But I wanted another chance to suckup - I mean,...to try again. I decided to casually make my way downtown and get a smoothie, just two doors down from the audition venue, so I could say I just "stumbled onto the audition notice and decided to see if there was anything else I could do" to impress them or whatever. As it turns out, my not-so-subtle ruse paid off. As I got upstairs to where the auditions were being held, I met Jemila, a very lovely, very dear friend of mine who was there to read for the parts of Chorus and Nurse (opposite the princess!). I sat in the hallway and read the scene through with her to help her prepare for when she was called in. They came and got her, and after a minute or two they called me in to ask if I could read with her. OHYESPLEASE!!!
We read through it, I felt it went MUCH better than the first time - she's So Easy to play off of.
They thanked me, and asked me Could I stick around for a bit while they finished her audition? OHYESPLEASE!!!
After she came out, and gave me one of her world class hugs, they called me in and asked if I could read the other Princess scene with someone else reading Henry. OHYESPLEASE!!
It went well, and, I guess I've written this whole crazy long entry just to say that I Feel So Much Better. I did my best, there's nothing else I'd change. I've done my bit, and now it's out of my hands. Such relief.

Now if they'd hurry up and call me already!

I've missed him so

Today I caught Bill Clinton being interviewed on two separate TV shows. He was talking about the questions of the day:
-How will we pay for Katrina relief?
-What's to be done in Iraq?
-hey, check out Bush's plummeting approval rating (okay, that wasn't a question, but I couldn't resist)
He was talking like I want a leader to talk to me: as if we're having a conversation, and I'm not just someone looking for a soundbite or a bumpersticker. He said the things that I've been thinking all along, only he had the information to back it up. And when his answer was only an opinion, or one of several possible solutions, or if he knew he didn't have all of the information, he said so. And he wasn't dwelling on what's been going wrong, but instead he was focusing on how to fix it.
He talked about how we're borrowing from other countries who are poorer than we are, just so we can continue giving tax breaks to the wealthy - and as a member of the upper class, he felt that was unconscionable.
He said that whatever we do with regard to Iraq, we must not lose sight of Afghanistan and working to shut down the taliban (I can't being myself to capitalize that word).
He mentioned that if we don't do something now to control global warming, then the oceans will rise (are already rising), and we'll lose more of Louisiana, more of Manhattan, and places like Maldives will be covered over and lost entirely.
He talked about a lot more, but I didn't catch the whole thing, and that's all I can remember at the moment. Most of all, I came away with a sense of just how much I've missed his style of leadership. I feel like for the past 5 years, I've just been pretending it's all a dream. Pretending that Bush is not really my president. I didn't vote for him, I don't like him, and I don't like what he's been doing to my country. Can I just have Clinton back?

rode hard and put up wet

Yeah, I know - it's been forever since I posted. sorry 'bout that.

But here I am now, safe and sound after Ophelia's departure. I stayed at a friend's house for two nights and we passed the time by watching lots of episodes of Dr. Who and Lost. In the apartment there were three of us people and four cats, but we all got along pretty darn well. There was a big screen tv and cable, and the power only flickered a few times and went out once for about 30 minutes. I got thrashed in a game of Lord of the Rings Trivial Pursuit despite the fact that the judges were being very liberal with me ("Which two of the fellowship didn't smoke? That would be ...um,...the guy that got his horn split in two, and...uhh, oh, whatshisname ... orlando bloom."). So, all in all, it was like a bizarre slumber party.

And then I went home.
There's no real damage, just lots of debris all over the road and the yard, and the porch. There were dishes in the sink when I left, and they'd gotten stinky. Plus, the power was out and had apparently been out for a while. Let me say this: I got off EASY. What's wrong at my house can be repaired in a matter of a few short hours. It's nothing like what some of my family members are going through even now, after Katrina came through two and a half weeks ago. Now, having said that, even with my weeeeee tiiiiiiny bit of "damage," I'm wiped out. I'm tired from waiting, and not knowing, and not sleeping in my own space, and now I'm at work, wondering if my power's back on yet or not, wondering when it'll be safe to get new groceries to replace the spoiled ones in the fridge. I don't want to be here all by myself. I don't know what the point is in having people come back to work for a half-day when there's still cleaning to be done, and power to be restored. So I'm tired, and I'm whiny. and my nose is stuffy.

Food For Thought

Mayor to feds: 'Get off your asses'
A Colossal Failure of Leadership
The big disconnect on New Orleans
Anger, hopelessness in Mississippi towns
A Horrible Dream

...........................
My Year of Hurricanes
From New Orleans, little memories linger
Heartbreaking
...........................
How we can help - www.redcross.org

Relief

We've finally heard from all of the family down south. They are all safe. Some don't have power, some have minor damage to their homes, and my Aunt and Uncle have had major flooding in their home to the point that it probably cannot be saved. But they are all alive.

I talked to my young cousin Jordyn yesterday via Instant Message and it was such a relief to get some news, and to hear that contact with all of the family had been made directly. After the conversation with Jordyn, I felt five pounds lighter. And then I went home and talked to my mom on the phone and I could tell that she'd had the same experience. She'd gotten word that her daddy was okay. And she'd made a plan to go to Mississippi and see him just as soon as they get power back. I could hear in her voice that the tension had been lifted.

There's still a lot to be done, but my family is Safe. Thank you God.